Narcissistic abuse is a form of (primarily) emotional and psychological abuse, although it can and does often involve physical abuse as well. NPD is a mental illness and those who have it must abuse their ‘target’ or ‘victim’ – it’s how their warped minds function and the can’t, won’t or don’t want to, control or change their behaviour and studies suggest they’re addicted to dopamine, one of the brain’s ‘happy’ or ‘feel-good’ chemicals.
The key to understanding if you’re being emotionally abused is simple… how do you feel around this person? If you’re dealing with a narcissist in the post ‘love bombing’ stage, the chances are you’re feeling absolutely awful. You’ll be walking on eggshells, questioning your sanity, and feeling worthless, just for starters.
The longer you have to remain in a toxic relationship like this, the longer the list of symptoms gets…
Here are just some of them…
Insomnia, sleep problems, nightmares
Isolation & loneliness
Inability to do your usual job or take care of your home
Negative thoughts about yourself and the world
Inner despair and turmoil
Anxiety & Panic attacks
Feeling Inferior & Inadequate
Lost sense of self
And of course, if you’re out of the relationship, most of those symptoms, as well as PTSD & Complex PTSD, are not simply going to vanish because you’re no longer in the relationship. Your emotional landscape has been scarred and you need to find ways to heal. You need to rewrite the internal script that’s playing in your head, and you need to recalibrate your emotional landscape.
So what exactly does narcissistic abuse look like?
When the narcissist gets to the devaluing stage, that’s when the ‘nasty’ really begins. The will start by doing any or all of the following – and these are just some examples…
Criticize you – your clothes, the way you walk, talk, eat, think… nothing about you is ok anymore at this stage.
Discredit you – nothing you’ve achieved will be of any value. They will constantly play up their achievements, and play yours down.
Belittle you – they’ll make you feel small, inferior and worthless, by ignoring anything you say, rolling their eyes, or butting in with their own glory-story because what you have to say is of no interest to them.
Mock you – they’ll do their best to make you think you are stupid and a waste of space.
Bring up intimate or personal things you’ve shared with them – for example, one client I worked with had shared details with her narc about sexual abuse when she was a child. He threw this into her face several times, saying ‘It’s your own fault. You asked for it! You’ve always been a whore at heart!’… Nothing is sacred and your secrets are NEVER safe with a narcissist.
Lie to you – about everything and anything. They’ll tell you lies your friends and family have said about you, they lie about where they were, who they were with, what they’ve been doing. Frankly, they can’t tell the truth without lying.
Control you – they will try to isolate you from family, friends, and anyone who is important to you. They’ll try to stop you going anywhere without them or without their permission, they’ll check your phone and your emails. They don’t believe you have a right to any personal space or privacy.
Control the finance – they honestly believe that what’s yours is theirs, and they have no conscience about bleeding you financially dry. They will steal, lie and cheat you out of every cent they can get their hands on, and leave you financially and emotionally broken.
Projection – they’ll take all their own nasty characteristics and accuse you of doing/being these things. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so bloody tragic!
Withhold affection / sex – back in the beginning, you felt loved, cherished, sexy, and had amazing sex. Now, there is no physical contact at all and you feel unattractive and rejected. If you try to initiate sex or even a cuddle, they’ll brush you off and tell you you’re a nymphomaniac.
They cheat on you – in their constant quest for more narcissistic supply, the narc is never satisfied with one relationship. He (or she) is usually a serial cheater, with often several relationships running at the same time. If you catch him out, he’ll blame you. It will be totally your fault and you made him do it.
That’s not the end of the list by any means, there are many many more such as smear campaigns, flying monkeys, triangulation, discarding, hovering, gaslighting, grey rocking, etc, and those all warrant videos of their own so I will be doing them separately.
But for now, if you’re watching this and recognize all these ploys, I feel for you, but as I’ve said in my previous video, knowledge is power. Once you know what you are dealing with, you put yourself in a position to start dealing with the massive fallout that is Narcissistic abuse.
And my aim with this channel is to bring you as much information and advice as I can on just how to go about doing that. Remember, you can and will get over this.
And I’ll just remind you here of 4 important tips I've shared in previous videos and blogsL
1. It is not your fault, and you are in no way to blame.
2. NPD is a mental illness. The narc is the sick one, NOT you.
3. You can heal and it doesn’t have to take years
4. You will find love, joy, happiness and infinite self-worth again.
I want you to sear these into your brain, write them down and refer to them often. Regaining your sanity and getting your self-worth back starts with your thoughts. It starts with rewiring your brain to think differently, and to stop the negative dialogue running in your head.
You can heal. Believe me you can.