There are many reasons why you could have become a victim of a Narcissist. In this article, I'll look at mothers and romantic partners. So, firstly, you could have been born into it – That’s very often where it starts. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have a narcissistic mother, you’ve undoubtedly fought a long hard battle with trying to come to terms with, or even understand, what’s happened to you.
Typically you wouldn’t have even realized that you were in an abusive relationship until you were much older – you could have been in your 20s or your 60s before the penny finally dropped and you realized that YOU were never the problem, and that all your problems now are due to having a NPD mother.
It’s bad enough to have any narcissist in your life, but having a narcissistic mother is probably the toughest of all for a woman. Why? Because typically mothers are supposed to be loving, caring, nurturing, protective, supportive… all those things that your narc mother wasn’t. That loving mother-daughter bond just wasn’t there.
In these cases also, if the father is present, even if he was a good guy, his influence on your emotional wellbeing is negligible and that’s because negative input into our minds is more powerful than positive in such situations. So your father’s attempts to be kind and supportive would not have negated your mother’s constant barrage of negativity.
When you were growing up, your emotional needs were never met, you never felt loved, your mother frequently ruined every special event you ever had, everything in life was about her, and you felt like a burden for just being alive. She may have even said things to you like
- ‘I wish you’d never been born’… ‘
- “Having you ruined my figure’
- “You spoiled my chances of… blah blah…’
You were a mini-slave, running, fetching and carrying and doing stuff at her behest, taking care of her when she should have been taking care of YOU!
She typically made all her problems your problem… as in, you were to blame for everything and anything that went wrong in her life…
That’s just a few examples… this particular list goes on and on, and I really applaud any man or woman who has survived to tell the tale of a narcissistic mother because those mothers really do take the biscuit! It’s on my research list to find out why NPD women actually bother to have a child in the first place. That’s one for another time!
So, assuming that you’ve grown up in this toxic childhood, your worldview will be very different from someone who’s grown up in a ‘normal’ household. You’ve been denied the all-important bonding and love that is every child’s right. It’s one of the reasons I use inner child healing as part of my therapy suite with all my clients because it’s incredibly powerful.
Because your subconscious has no linear time frame the way your conscious world does, you can go back in and re-parent yourself, giving yourself the love you were deprived of. It may sound simplistic, but it’s not. Inner Child Healing can create a seismic emotional shift in your self-worth.
But coming back to growing up… once you reach adulthood, and begin to understand what’s being going on, your problems don’t stop. Your mother doesn’t suddenly become a ‘nice’ person. Like the leopard, she can’t change her spots. She will continue to abuse you every step of the way. Confronting her will be a complete waste of your time because she’ll twist everything you say into her version of reality. And you already know how warped that is by now.
She’ll criticize your partner, your kids, your house, your career choices, she won’t respect your boundaries, she’ll ladle guilt and blame all over you at every opportunity… in short, she’ll continue to be a selfish nightmare, showing you zero respect. And you’ll continue to put up with it.
But why? Because deep down your inner child still craves your mother’s love. It’s how you are wired. You keep hoping that one day, something will click and she’ll realize that she loves you after all. That you ARE lovable! You’ll feel validated at last!
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but that is never going to happen. Because she can’t. So you’re back to where I always point to and where I’ll always bring you back to – and that’s to the fact that loving yourself first and foremost is where you need to focus. And again, this ties is with the inner child healing. It’s where the love is… all the love you could possibly ever want or need, is hiding inside you. It’s where healing truly begins. You just need to realize it, and when you do, the love floodgates will open for you. I’ve seen it happen time and time again with clients. You become that bird who flies free of the cage at last… free and flying into the light.
Now taking all this toxic childhood conditioning into account, you grow into an adult who attracts more narcissists into your life because you subconsciously understand such behavior to be normal and your deep subconscious belief is that this is what you DESERVE! Usually it’s a romantic attraction, but it can be in other ways such as work relationships – but let’s focus on romantic for the moment.
Narcissists are adept at spotting vulnerabilities in their targets. They seem to have internal radar for this and if you’re a sensitive, an empath, or spiritually-inclined, for example, they know you are more likely to be the kind of person who’s more willing to forgive, to try to see past flaws, and therefore you’ll be easier to manipulate and control.
They’re also drawn to people who are very successful or impressive in some way, because such people present a greater challenge for them. If you’re financially well off, you become an even jucier target for them because you’re a potential cash cow – and they’ll do everything in their power to strip you of every cent you own.
I’ve actually heard someone say that ‘She must have been really stupid to fall for a narcissist!’… clearly, this person had no idea what she was talking about. Women who have been victims of Narcissistic Abuse include doctors, psychotherapists, psychologists, – yes, I know it seems crazy because you’d think they would know, but they don’t!
Entrepreneurs, lawyers, financial advisors, designers, authors, journalists.. just about any profession you can name – all well-educated, intelligent women, have all fallen for narcissists.
Narcs are incredibly clever, and have been known to fool therapists, lawyers & judges in court. They’re sharp!
Narcs will also check you out on social media and so on, to learn more about you. This is so that when you do connect, they’ll just seem to say the right things and like all the things you do. In very short order, they’ll have you believing that you’re the best thing since sliced bread, and that you’re meant to be together forever! You’re soul mates!
Now remember your wounded inner child who is still craving love? Well, here’s an irresistible chance to get some real love in your life. It’s intoxicating and no one can blame you for falling head-over-heels. You couldn’t possibly know – at a conscious level - that your potential suitor is going to become your worst nightmare.
The narc will then woo you with big sweeping romantic gestures, fabulous sex and completely ensnare you. But this ‘honeymoon period’ has a short life-span. Invariably, it will end and the devaluing will start. And that’s when your nightmare begins. You'll be made to feel like the lowest of the low, and your self-worth will soon be in tatters. And that's just the beginning. The narcissist wants to destroy you and they will stop at nothing in their endeavours to do just that.
I hope that this post has given you some insights and helped you to understand a little about why you might have attracted a narcissist into your life if you’ve had a narcissistic mother… but remember, nightmares end, and you can end your nightmare narcissistic relationship.
It starts with knowledge and understanding what has happened to you, and why. From there, you can move forward in your journey to healing.
If you need support to heal, click here.